Writing

Two years ago today

Two years ago today I had an accident at work. I had only been back at work for three weeks after maternity leave. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I tripped over a telephone cable that was under my desk.

I cracked my right elbow and fractured my left wrist.

My daughter was 11 months old, I couldn’t care for her let alone myself.

The bones have more or less healed yet it’s been confirmed I have a permanent injury to my elbow and nerve issues. But I have changed.

The injuries themselves healed and I was back at work after 6 weeks it was my mind was what suffered the most.

My first Christmas with my daughter was ruined. I couldn’t lift her to congratulate her for finally crawling a week after the accident. I couldn’t hold her in the middle of the night when her teething pains got beyond painful.

In my opinion my mind suffered more that my body. Depression found me and my panic attacks came back. I was actually scared of looking after her on my own quite soon after the accident as I was scared I would drop her as lifting was difficult.

As a result, since the accident up until recently, I panicked every time I felt ill. Worrying needlessly about relying on other people to look after my child if I was sick, so much so my panic attacks returned. Stupid I know but that’s how I felt.

Two years on and I’m a lot better than I was. I can’t straighten my right arm completely and I still can’t lift my daughter for long period of time. But weirdly enough I feel different in my head. Being through so much mentally over the last two years I deserve to be different. I received counselling and coaching for self confidence to the point I haven’t had a panic attack for over 6 months. I now regularly meditate and take yoga nidra classes. I use essential oils and eat better.

A year ago I said no to social occasions as I just didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I know what it feels like to be at a real low point. Scared of the what ifs.

Today is different. As a result of the accident I have found things that have changed my life, met inspiring people and looked closely at my life and those closely around me.

I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for finding meditation thanks to my amazing yoga nidra teacher. I am thankful for my counsellor to giving me a different type of confidence. I am thankful to my daughter who understands why mummy can’t pick her up all the time despite only being nearly three and still wants her mummy cuddles.

The accident has taught me a lot about myself and others, and how I interact with those others. I’m not saying I’m perfect and I’ve got my head together. My mind is always learning and it a work in progress.

It’s ok not to be ok, is what you do after that is important. But you have to want to do it for you, not for others.

Two years ago sat in A and E, crying so hard, who would have thought today would be peaceful and that I am looking forward to learning more and hopefully one day helping others.

Plus a huge positive is that I have managed to find something positive out of it all, despite still having pain!

Only look forwards and not backwards, you don’t walk that way.

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