Writing

Knocking the Nerves

I had an accident in 2015 and it still affects me to this day.

I think about it alot. Without running the risk of sounding dramatic, it has changed my life.

I know I am lucky, I have a lovely family, house we have bought ourselves, drive a car, have good job. But mentally the last two years have been horrid. 

Having an accident which results in you having to have someone else look after you and your 11 month old baby destroyed my confidence and bought back depression and panic attacks. Stupid I know. The words “not good enough” are a result of the lack of confidence. It’s hard to describe so that someone else’s would understand. 

Someone says to me, life goes on and you just have to keep going. What about that time when your heart feels like it’s beating outside your chest and your head is saying you can’t do this as you have been proven before you are not good enough. 

To be fair that doesn’t happen that much these days but when it does creep up I’m learning to deal with it thanks to mindfulness. 

My situation is I have restricted movement in my right elbow and I struggle to lift Ruby. Granted she is not the lightest in the world but not being able to wrestle with her and play donkey rides upsets me. 

I also have pain when I knit and crochet. I was trying to set up a business making handmade items such as baby blankets prior to my accident. This stopped as I couldn’t make the blankets due to the pain so everything has gone into the loft. This makes me sad and angry as my hobby made me relax and think about other things (I’m an over worrier). 

Today the pain restricts me, but it also has affected me mentally. My confidence is not what it used to be and I worry about more about stupid things thanks to my over worrying. I’ve had to learn how to relax again and to be honest laugh again. Nerves and apprehension is my next goal. Worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and always needing a back up plan such as emergency childcare if I had an accident or ill. And needing that plan really assures my stupid brain that I can’t do it alone and therefore not good enough.  Vicious circle, stupid vicious circle. 

But thank God for yoga nidra, my family and fantastic friends. I will get back to being strong again, physically and mentally. I’m starting to try not to tackle to the world alone and ask for help. Yet recently I had a break through. I won’t go into detail but a friend helped me to re assure myself to slowly knock the nerves out of me. 

I keep thinking I need to get back to the person I used to be. Actually that is never going to happen. I have to think of the now and who I am now. Deal with the me now, not strive to an impossible. 

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